Monthly Archives: February 2012

Mommy Club

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This week the “mommy club’ posts have been flying thick and fast! A few weeks ago Sharon posted about not quite feeling part of the mommy club for her own personal reasons. She blogged in a really nice way that wasnt nasty to other moms at all. Earlier this week another post popped up (that I’m not going to link to because I thought it was nasty and uncalled for) that didnt state this problem quite as eloquently! So I thought I’d throw my thoughts on the subject in…

In school I was never one of the cool kids. I was the girl who was quiet, sat in the front of the class and had a small group of close friends. I was the girl who was nice. Who would always be willing to chat and help out with your problems. I was the girl who helped you study and called to check on you after an exam. I wasnt the girl who was invited to parties or clubbing, I wasnt the girl who smoked in the bathrooms and I wasnt the girl who bunked school. I was a goody two shoes and I was pretty happy with that status most of the time. The fact is, I was an average girl in school, just a simple girl who had close friends but wasnt ever part of a bigger group.

Then I became a mom. And I discovered a whole new group of friends. Now if I see a mom in the shops, I immediately feel a kinship with her. She understands. She knows what its like to be covered in puke, be sleep deprived and lonely. She knows about nappies, bum cream, dummies and formula.  She knows! She understands! So she’s immediately part of the club, and Im also part of the club and its amazing. Its a club that is exclusive and isnt at the same time. Its easy to get into the club, well for some. For some its a quick and sometimes its an unwilling entry, but for others its a long and difficult journey, finally resulting in an ecstatically happy entrance into the club.

However, calling this phenomenon, mommy club isnt exactly how I feel it is. I feel like its more a mommy school.  When that baby comes into your life you have no idea what the hell you’re doing. So you talk, and you ask for help. And you learn from other moms. Some new moms and some old hats. They all have some insight and some advice and more often then not a shoulder to cry on.

Another part of this post is discussing the face us moms put on for the rest of the world. This is exactly what came up in the above posts. The fact is, we are not all coping all the time. We dont all have it together all the time. Maybe its wrong to not show this, maybe its wrong that we dont tell everyone how today we sat crying in the bath for two hours just because we couldnt bear to hold it in a second longer, or that last week we spent three days in our Pjs with dirty hair because we couldnt find the energy to get dressed. maybe its wrong that we dont blab about the fact that the dishes are STILL in the sink from last week and our dirty coffee cups are still next to our bed from last week. The fact is that having a happy mask on for the rest of the world makes it a hell of a lot easier to cope. My moms favourite expression is “if you dont know, pretend you do, eventually you’ll start to believe”. So we pretend to know what we’re doing. We pretend that things are perfect, and that things are great. Hoping that eventually our mask will drop and it will all be real. Some days the mask does drop, sometimes things REALLY ARE GREAT, sometimes our lives really are as perfect as we make them out to be, and sometimes theyre not.

To me, this is ok. I never assume that anyone is perfectly fine, I never assume that anyone has no problems. I think its fine to have  a public face and a private face as you never know what battles everyone else is fighting. So just be nice, to everyone. And dont judge!

 

Other fantastic posts to read on this topic

One of The Boys | A house full of boys is where I call home …..

Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby.

Dear Max.

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Happiness is…

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Yesterday I wasn’t up to doing a happiness is post. I feel much better today though. Its amazing how a few hours of sleep can change your perspective. Lily slept from 9 to 1 last night which is the longest stretch in a week so I feel much better today.

So here it is:

Happiness is
1. Home made red velvet cupcakes
2. 4 hours of solid sleep
3. Watching Lily crawl backwards
4. @melindaconnor s baby boy Ben coming home
5. The words to ‘somewhere over the rainbow’
6. New haircut and colour and feeling pretty again
7. Making friends laugh by being an idiot and getting the weekends away mixed up
8. Getting four seasons of Dexter to watch back to back
9. Hubby saying I can plan a weekend trip to Jhb to see all my friends!
10. Lily falling asleep on my lap sucking her thumb

If motherhood was a test…

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If motherhood was a test, I think I’d be failing. I feel like I’ve walked into the exam venue and I’ve studied all the theory and I have all the tools to pass but I just go blank. I just know when the results come I’m going to get a big fat F. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I then cheat and try read someones else’s paper (by calling on my friends via twitter, bbm, whatsapp or the archaic sms) and asking advice. I feel like everyone else has the answers. Maybe they all got the exam paper to take home before? Maybe I’m the only idiot who didn’t get it!

I am so utterly in love with Lily that I feel horribly guilty for even writing this but I just need maybe 3 hours where I can do nothing. I’d love one night where I could just watch tv or eat dinner with both hands. One night where I don’t have to do bedtime. Lily refuses to go to Shaun at night. Sometimes she won’t even look at him without crying. I am now trying to figure out how to tidy up, cook, do laundry, sterilise bottles, sterilise dummies, load the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher, change nappy, clean up puke, change puke stained linen, wash puke filled hair, bath puked covered baby, feed baby, rock baby, bath puke covered baby again, feed baby, rock baby, tidy up after dinner, entertain husband, pretend to be a human being. Please everyone, if you just tell me where you learnt to do it, I’ll stop copying off your papers and trying to steal your crib notes. But its not fair!

I know I’m being dramatic and that lots of new moms feel like this and that I’m not as alone as I feel. But when your rocking a crying baby and your exhausted and the world is sleeping, its hard to not feel alone because you are alone. All alone asides from your precious parcel who God has entrusted you with.

We have now started solids and it is the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. I think I’ve built it up in my head to much. And I’m trying to wean her at the same time so its all just very stressful.

Today will be better, I’m going to throw the books away, recycle the advice and trust my instincts.
Hopefully I pass!

happiness is…

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Oops this was meant to be yesterdays post but I had no time!
Happiness is:
1. Surprise happy wedding parties for good friends
2. Lily loving her cereal and gobbling up 3tsps without a fight.
3. Home made chocolate brownie avalanche.
4. Cold swimming pools!
5. Listening to an owl hoot in the middle of the night
6. Fitting into my pre pregnancy jeans- even though they’re super tight
7. Fairy lights and balloons
8. Apricot jam on white bread. Yum!
9. The smell of rain, something we missed so much in rainy England.
10. The three of us lying on the Lilo in the pool, splashing and having fun.