If motherhood was a test…


If motherhood was a test, I think I’d be failing. I feel like I’ve walked into the exam venue and I’ve studied all the theory and I have all the tools to pass but I just go blank. I just know when the results come I’m going to get a big fat F. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I then cheat and try read someones else’s paper (by calling on my friends via twitter, bbm, whatsapp or the archaic sms) and asking advice. I feel like everyone else has the answers. Maybe they all got the exam paper to take home before? Maybe I’m the only idiot who didn’t get it!

I am so utterly in love with Lily that I feel horribly guilty for even writing this but I just need maybe 3 hours where I can do nothing. I’d love one night where I could just watch tv or eat dinner with both hands. One night where I don’t have to do bedtime. Lily refuses to go to Shaun at night. Sometimes she won’t even look at him without crying. I am now trying to figure out how to tidy up, cook, do laundry, sterilise bottles, sterilise dummies, load the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher, change nappy, clean up puke, change puke stained linen, wash puke filled hair, bath puked covered baby, feed baby, rock baby, bath puke covered baby again, feed baby, rock baby, tidy up after dinner, entertain husband, pretend to be a human being. Please everyone, if you just tell me where you learnt to do it, I’ll stop copying off your papers and trying to steal your crib notes. But its not fair!

I know I’m being dramatic and that lots of new moms feel like this and that I’m not as alone as I feel. But when your rocking a crying baby and your exhausted and the world is sleeping, its hard to not feel alone because you are alone. All alone asides from your precious parcel who God has entrusted you with.

We have now started solids and it is the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. I think I’ve built it up in my head to much. And I’m trying to wean her at the same time so its all just very stressful.

Today will be better, I’m going to throw the books away, recycle the advice and trust my instincts.
Hopefully I pass!


About ournextbigadventure

After a few years of travelling around and itchy feet, my husband and I have embarked on our greatest adventure yet...parenthood! We have been blessed with a beautiful little girl named Lily Sage. Now everyday is filled not with questions of "where to next?" but with baby smiles, hiccups and milky breaths.

6 responses »

  1. Sounds like things are hectic at the moment? I am a firm believer in trusting your gut, but I also think you need to ask for help.

    Maybe Shaun could help out with sterilising bottles and dummies? Or maybe he could bath Lily every second night?

    The truth is, you can’t do it all on your own! No-one can and as much as you would like to believe that we all do it on our own – that is a lie.

    Hope things settle with the solids and that you get a break very soon!

    • Shaun and I bath her together every night and then he makes her nightime bottle. I feel bad asking him to do stuff because he’s working and I’m not. He does help me, but at night he really can’t do anything! I think its just a difficult time at the moment!

  2. I know exactly how you feel, and it very overwhelming, especially combined with the lack of sleep. I’m on my second one now (first 4 years, second 8 months), and still feel like that. Luckily the kids have been taking turns for being sick and difficult. When the older one is sick and puking through the night the baby sleeps well.

  3. Shaz, I think it’s normal to feel the way you do, the first few months of motherhood are HARD and a massive adjustment for EVERYONE! Believe me, you are not failing! We all “failed” in the beginning, it takes time to find your groove.
    The only way I survived was to get my husband more involved with the hosuehold chores. Shaun can tidy up after dinner and he can pack and unpack the dish washer and he can help with a lot of the chores you described above, he may grumble and moan but it’s only because it’s also an adjustment for him to.
    Hang in there! It does get easier!

  4. The truth is that MANY if not MOST of us would be seen as failing Mothers MOST of the time. Especially those of us who are not ‘natural’ mothers. I would be failing everyday in many areas. But we are only seen as ‘failing’ because of the standards and expectations we set for ourselves! I have so many expectations of myself and my children – it’s hard not to – and because of this, being a Mom is a daily struggle! BUT I have also learnt that as long as my boys have love, food, clean bums and bodies – they’ll be alright – and I’m not failing so much!

    I am very much A-type personality. And because I like things to be done ‘my’ way. I was also quick to leave the baby-duty to myself alone! But a time came when I realised that My husband needed to find his groove as a dad aswell. Him and my son needed to find THEIR groove – TOGETHER! Just like we as Moms find our feet in the beginning days and over time we find a routine together. Perhaps you need to let Shaun find his groove with Lily. Even if she cries – tell him you will leave it in his hands to find ‘their’ comfort zone and let him take over for a while – without interfering and being judgemental. Leave the house if you must. And let him ask for help(tell him to) before you step in. This is a VERY difficult thing to do – especially for me – but I had to do it. My boys need to know their dads way of doing things and Dad needs to grow in his confidence. And Mom (YOU) can do with some free time!

    I have to say though that I don’t know how you clean house and look after a baby! I did this for a very brief period of time and I struggled! It wasn’t easy at all! I take my hat off to you. I guess you do what you can – but baby takes first priority.

    Yesterday I asked if you had checked yourself for PND – for signs go to: http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/youafterthebirth/postnataldepressionexpert/

    I left mine untreated for 2years! I had gone past the emotional state into one of complete Anger and Rage. I am now almost a month into taking my first course of AD’s and I’m starting to feel like a new person. Everything isn’t as overwhelming anymore. It’ll be a longer journey for me – but perhaps AD’s might help you for now if you have any of the symptoms.

    Just so you know – when I started out with solids I tried 3(THREE) different ways with solids before finding the right one for my 1st born. He had reflux and landed up with more puking and cramps than I cared for! My 2nd I’ll be introducing next week to solids. Remember that milk is most important for her in the first 12months so don’t stress too much about the solids. She will also drop her milk feeds by herself – just follow her lead! (Easier said than done, I know)

    I also had to get rid of the books and take advice from other Moms and see what was important and what wasn’t. I had read Baby Sense on solids and that routine didn’t work. Thankfully I found a Mom that gave me the best option – ever grateful for her advice – coz no book I read had that advice.

    And yes, you will feel alone. You are alone when you feel alone. We all do go through it – but it’s important to acknowledge that you feel alone. Coz it is so very isolating being a Mom!

    Sending big hugs to you – and please shout if you need a chat!

    Seninding big

  5. Pingback: Suck it up | ournextbigadventure

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