If motherhood was a test, I think I’d be failing. I feel like I’ve walked into the exam venue and I’ve studied all the theory and I have all the tools to pass but I just go blank. I just know when the results come I’m going to get a big fat F. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I then cheat and try read someones else’s paper (by calling on my friends via twitter, bbm, whatsapp or the archaic sms) and asking advice. I feel like everyone else has the answers. Maybe they all got the exam paper to take home before? Maybe I’m the only idiot who didn’t get it!
I am so utterly in love with Lily that I feel horribly guilty for even writing this but I just need maybe 3 hours where I can do nothing. I’d love one night where I could just watch tv or eat dinner with both hands. One night where I don’t have to do bedtime. Lily refuses to go to Shaun at night. Sometimes she won’t even look at him without crying. I am now trying to figure out how to tidy up, cook, do laundry, sterilise bottles, sterilise dummies, load the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher, change nappy, clean up puke, change puke stained linen, wash puke filled hair, bath puked covered baby, feed baby, rock baby, bath puke covered baby again, feed baby, rock baby, tidy up after dinner, entertain husband, pretend to be a human being. Please everyone, if you just tell me where you learnt to do it, I’ll stop copying off your papers and trying to steal your crib notes. But its not fair!
I know I’m being dramatic and that lots of new moms feel like this and that I’m not as alone as I feel. But when your rocking a crying baby and your exhausted and the world is sleeping, its hard to not feel alone because you are alone. All alone asides from your precious parcel who God has entrusted you with.
We have now started solids and it is the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. I think I’ve built it up in my head to much. And I’m trying to wean her at the same time so its all just very stressful.
Today will be better, I’m going to throw the books away, recycle the advice and trust my instincts.
Hopefully I pass!