Mommy Club

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This week the “mommy club’ posts have been flying thick and fast! A few weeks ago Sharon posted about not quite feeling part of the mommy club for her own personal reasons. She blogged in a really nice way that wasnt nasty to other moms at all. Earlier this week another post popped up (that I’m not going to link to because I thought it was nasty and uncalled for) that didnt state this problem quite as eloquently! So I thought I’d throw my thoughts on the subject in…

In school I was never one of the cool kids. I was the girl who was quiet, sat in the front of the class and had a small group of close friends. I was the girl who was nice. Who would always be willing to chat and help out with your problems. I was the girl who helped you study and called to check on you after an exam. I wasnt the girl who was invited to parties or clubbing, I wasnt the girl who smoked in the bathrooms and I wasnt the girl who bunked school. I was a goody two shoes and I was pretty happy with that status most of the time. The fact is, I was an average girl in school, just a simple girl who had close friends but wasnt ever part of a bigger group.

Then I became a mom. And I discovered a whole new group of friends. Now if I see a mom in the shops, I immediately feel a kinship with her. She understands. She knows what its like to be covered in puke, be sleep deprived and lonely. She knows about nappies, bum cream, dummies and formula.  She knows! She understands! So she’s immediately part of the club, and Im also part of the club and its amazing. Its a club that is exclusive and isnt at the same time. Its easy to get into the club, well for some. For some its a quick and sometimes its an unwilling entry, but for others its a long and difficult journey, finally resulting in an ecstatically happy entrance into the club.

However, calling this phenomenon, mommy club isnt exactly how I feel it is. I feel like its more a mommy school.  When that baby comes into your life you have no idea what the hell you’re doing. So you talk, and you ask for help. And you learn from other moms. Some new moms and some old hats. They all have some insight and some advice and more often then not a shoulder to cry on.

Another part of this post is discussing the face us moms put on for the rest of the world. This is exactly what came up in the above posts. The fact is, we are not all coping all the time. We dont all have it together all the time. Maybe its wrong to not show this, maybe its wrong that we dont tell everyone how today we sat crying in the bath for two hours just because we couldnt bear to hold it in a second longer, or that last week we spent three days in our Pjs with dirty hair because we couldnt find the energy to get dressed. maybe its wrong that we dont blab about the fact that the dishes are STILL in the sink from last week and our dirty coffee cups are still next to our bed from last week. The fact is that having a happy mask on for the rest of the world makes it a hell of a lot easier to cope. My moms favourite expression is “if you dont know, pretend you do, eventually you’ll start to believe”. So we pretend to know what we’re doing. We pretend that things are perfect, and that things are great. Hoping that eventually our mask will drop and it will all be real. Some days the mask does drop, sometimes things REALLY ARE GREAT, sometimes our lives really are as perfect as we make them out to be, and sometimes theyre not.

To me, this is ok. I never assume that anyone is perfectly fine, I never assume that anyone has no problems. I think its fine to have  a public face and a private face as you never know what battles everyone else is fighting. So just be nice, to everyone. And dont judge!

 

Other fantastic posts to read on this topic

One of The Boys | A house full of boys is where I call home …..

Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby.

Dear Max.

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About ournextbigadventure

After a few years of travelling around and itchy feet, my husband and I have embarked on our greatest adventure yet...parenthood! We have been blessed with a beautiful little girl named Lily Sage. Now everyday is filled not with questions of "where to next?" but with baby smiles, hiccups and milky breaths.

4 responses »

  1. I like your Mom’s expression, mine is similar and it works for just about every path in life – FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!
    The one thing I learned from my posts on the Mommy club is this – nobody feels like they fit in all of the time. And even the Mom’s who’re good at faking it till they make it, are full of insecurities hence the need to fake it till we make it. I also think that that is a large reason why this subject has so many people hot under the collar – because it touches on a nerve and exposes insecurities that perhaps we’re trying to hide.
    We’ll never all feel like we fit in all of the time and that’s fine but it’s also that single thing that should unify us and not have people going off on tangents with passive aggressive messages, which really aren’t helpful in trying to bring together a community, instead they force people to take sides and sow division.
    I really do think it’s time for all of us to untwist our knickers and put on some big girl panties and move on now.

  2. Thanks for a great post Shan. And you’re exactly right. Why should we HAVE to talk about our shitty times? I JUST DON’T WANT TO. And if that means that my life “looks perfect” from the outside then so be it. But, assumption is the mother of all stuff-ups, so we should all stop it.

    And just as an aside, Sharon, don’t forget that you were the first to jump onto Stacey’s blog and cheer her on, slagging off the “cool moms”. So in essence, you were also taking sides.

    • Nicki, just for the record, I never slagged off anyone. I said I understood where she was coming from and that I thought I was a cool mom without feeling part of the cool crowd.
      My comments on all the posts regarding this matter have been about how none of us feel like we fit in all of the time, so in your words, don’t make assumptions.

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