I’m a great believer in a good pep talk. I often say ‘I need to give myself a talking to, to pull myself right’ it sounds crazy, I know don’t worry. But it works wonders. I used to do it when I had one to many, I’d sit in the bathroom and demand that I start feeling normal again, and stop being idiotic and drunk. It usually worked for a few minutes to. Until I forgot and started acting idiotic again. Now I do it when Lily hasn’t slept for 3 days, and is demanding to be held all the time and I’m about to lose it. I give myself a stern talking to and remind myself that she’s not awake on purpose, she’s not trying to annoy me, and is obviously going through something so needs me a bit more than usual. This works pretty well, I usually have to do it every few weeks but once I pull myself right, I cope much better.
Lately I’ve had to self motivate myself about starting work. Today I caught myself mumbling while grocery shopping. Yup I know, its the madness setting in. I have to constantly reassure myself that Lily will be fine, millions of moms do it, it is what I want, it will be the best for us as a family in the long run. I’ve NEVER wanted to stay at home with her forever, I always said a year tops. And I still feel like that, I WANT to work. I want to get some sense of self back, have my own money and use my brain. Staying at home with Lily is amazing, and I’m so blessed to have been able to stay for so long, but I do feel like its time now for me to start learning again. That’s the head talking, the logical rational side. And my heart is nodding its head but my heart is also taking a plunge down into my stomach whenever I think about leaving my sweet baby girl. Then the self talk starts again to stop the tears.
And this is how I end up mumbling to myself in Checkers, much to the amusement of fellow shoppers. Rather that then a weeping mess!