One thing I have inherited from my nan, asides from my poofy cheeks, is restlessness. we’re both restless souls and feel the need to keep moving. She deals with this now by having a yearly holiday to somewhere interesting, and moving the furniture around her flat. This isn’t enough for me though.
There is a reason that Shaun and I move every six months and her name is Shannon. I have itchy feet and a fear of ‘settling’. After we have been somewhere for such a long time, six months or so, I start to think ‘where to next’. ‘Can I see myself in this same place in 5 years time?’. I’ve never been able to answer that with a yes. I am always looking for our next adventure. Yes, I know that this blog is dedicated to exactly that, my sweet Lily. And she is a wonderful adventure, but she just makes me feel even more ‘itchy’. I now want to show her things! I want to travel more and drag my little family with me. I want to live somewhere new and different! I want to live out of a suitcase, learn a new language and figure out the exchange rate. I want to have an opportunity to lose our passports for the third time-because they have been safely nestled in the filing for almost 3 years now. (The story of the first 2 times is for another post, suffice it to say that it was actually Shauns fault that I lost them, he shouldn’t have given them to me in the first place). My new thing is I want to go back to England. Yup. I really do. Like really really. My heart aches for it. Its silly as I wanted to come home so badly! But I miss England so much. I miss the walks in the woods on a Sunday followed by a braai (sometimes in the snow) and reading trashy mags. I miss taking the train to London and getting lost (followed by a screaming match with my grumpy husband, who HATES getting lost- even though it happens so often he really should be used to it by now). I miss the loooooong summer days, dressing in 8 layers of clothes in winter, walking along the canals to the pub and having fish and chips in the sun. I miss missing South Africa. I came home so positive and excited for our new life back here, and that spark is disappearing.
Shaun now wants to buy a house. This has me super excited and utterly terrified. I can’t believe the commitment. What ifs are keeping me awake at night, not to mention the thought of a hut on the beach in Bali. Home schooling my kids and spending days learning the balinese culture and lifestyle. Or maybe a farm house in the deep south in America? In one of those tiny towns where they only have one petrol station? Or maybe a high rise building in new york, with a doorman and a local deli. I’m getting carried away. I often say, if I could do my life over, I’d be a hippy with a back pack and a passport.
What is not helping is that I can’t find a house or area I love. And when I do its so far out of our price range that we can’t even see it anymore. Universe, how’s about some guidance here? I need to know where I’m meant to be and what I’m meant to do. Am I destined to stay here? Am I ever going to find a job that I love? Am I going to find our dream house? Come on, just a little tug in the right direction is all I’m asking.
Ps: we’re not packing for England yet. But I’m working on it. Maybe not next week, or even next year. But maybe the year after that. Sleeping on my uncles couch for a month won’t work if we have a baby in tow! So will need to go with a better plan, or any plan, next time.