We were standing in Pick n Pay today, waiting to buy biltong. The conversatuon went like this:
Lily: “mommy what are you doing?”
Me: “waiting for the lady to come so that we can get some biltong”
Me: “because I’m hungry”
Me: “because I didn’t eat lunch”
Me: “because I was working and didn’t get chance”
Me: “because I was working”
Me: “because I have to work to make money”
Me: “because we need money to live and buy food and pay for the house”
Me: “because that’s the rules”
Me: “because that’s what society says”
Me: LILY I DON’T KNOW WHY.
Lately, those are my five favorite words.
I have birth nightmares often.
I had two difficult births; to use the word traumatic feels wrong because I had the best possible outcomes. I have two healthy girls, who were discharged immediately with no complications for either of them. This doesn’t stop the flash backs and nightmares though. I feel like a traitor to the natural birth cause by saying this, but I am terrified to even think of falling pregnant, because I do not know how I will birth. The thought of another natural birth paralyzes me with fear. Am I proud to say that I birthed naturally? Yes. Do I wish it went differently? No. I wouldn’t change anything because who knows what the final outcome would have been. I wouldn’t change anything; I just don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to remember the fear, the pain, the uncertainty and the exhaustion.
I hate saying this. I hate it because I don’t want anyone to read this and decide against a natural birth, it was one the most amazing experiences. I am glad I did it and that I got through it, it has shown me how strong I can be. This doesn’t change the fact that I can’t think about the mask going over my face, the midwife telling me that there is no time for an epidural , and the feeling of being stitched up while not numb, without getting goose bumps and a sinking feeling in my stomach. It doesn’t stop me having nightmares about going into labour and knowing what was coming, while trying everything in my power to prevent it. One day they will stop though, time heals all wounds.