Topic for day 1: Even if you know me well, you don’t know this. #writersbootcampza @Writersbootcmp

Standard

I have birth nightmares often.

 

 I had two difficult births; to use the word traumatic feels wrong because I had the best possible outcomes. I have two healthy girls, who were discharged immediately with no complications for either of them. This doesn’t stop the flash backs and nightmares though. I feel like a traitor to the natural birth cause by saying this, but I am terrified to even think of falling pregnant, because I do not know how I will birth. The thought of another natural birth paralyzes me with fear. Am I proud to say that I birthed naturally? Yes. Do I wish it went differently? No. I wouldn’t change anything because who knows what the final outcome would have been. I wouldn’t change anything; I just don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to remember the fear, the pain, the uncertainty and the exhaustion.

 

I hate saying this. I hate it because I don’t want anyone to read this and decide against a natural birth, it was one the most amazing experiences. I am glad I did it and that I got through it, it has shown me how strong I can be. This doesn’t change the fact that I can’t think about the mask going over my face, the midwife telling me that there is no time for an epidural , and the feeling of being stitched up while not numb, without getting goose bumps and a sinking feeling in my stomach. It doesn’t stop me having nightmares about going into labour and knowing what was coming, while trying everything in my power to prevent it. One day they will stop though, time heals all wounds.

 

 

Advertisements

About ournextbigadventure

After a few years of travelling around and itchy feet, my husband and I have embarked on our greatest adventure yet...parenthood! We have been blessed with a beautiful little girl named Lily Sage. Now everyday is filled not with questions of "where to next?" but with baby smiles, hiccups and milky breaths.

4 responses »

  1. Wow, shame man! I felt like superwoman after naturally birthing James. But it was so quick. I know I was lucky, but I said to my hubby before the time that even if I’m in labour for 24 hours it’ll beat recovering from a ceaser. I was petrified of a needle in my back…

    Anyway, they will stop eventually xxx

    • I agree with you, I am glad I didn’t have a c section, but my recovery was still a very long process. I had the epidural done 3 times with Lily, so the needle in my back wasn’t a big problem!

  2. You’re so brave. To have gone through what you did and to share it. So much hugs, I hope the nightmares pass soon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s